


Happily Ever After (At Least Until The Depression Kicks In)

by glacedonuts



Category: Elsword (Video Game)
Genre: Arme is still salty, I'm not sure but please stay safe!, M/M, Non descriptive (??) Self harm, self hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-18
Updated: 2017-04-18
Packaged: 2018-10-20 14:21:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10664451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glacedonuts/pseuds/glacedonuts
Summary: A year after restoring the el, Arme finds himself worrying more and more about his own purpose in the aftermath. With little to no coping mechanisms, he ends up turning to a very... Troubling source.





	Happily Ever After (At Least Until The Depression Kicks In)

**Author's Note:**

> Wow this is my first longfic for Elsword. This is self beta'd so don't be surprised if there are mistakes. Critiques that tell me how I can improve would be nice!

There was no more use for this body, Arme decided. A year ago, he should’ve been stripped from this universe, his existence already fulfilling its meaning and his usefulness ran as dry as Sander’s hottest summer day.

Yet, within that time where he’d floated aimlessly between day after day, he’d learn that Apostasia betrayal of the goddess, was not unwarranted. With that understanding he’d come to find an ally in the fallen angel, odd as it was.

The circumstances of their new born allyship, however, was despair inducing, to say the least.

The Goddess Ishmael could be cruel when she wants to be, and at that time she had chosen- what had she said specifically? It’d felt as though so much time had passed that Arme could no longer remember- to allow Arme to become human and spend more time with the… El search party. Every one of them including Mr. Ancient and the tiny demon girl he’d come to hate so much.

He never asked for this.

There was a time where he dreaded the thought of disappearing, the thought that one day, he’d never get to see Erblu’s smile again, one day, he’d never hear Elsword’s stories again, one day, he’d never be able to wake up because he doesn’t exist anymore.

Now, he’d welcome it in an instant.

She never said he’d lose his power- his only connection to her-. But each day, he finds himself weaker. He can no longer help in battle.- He couldn’t wield the pathetic excuses of swords stored in the armory, so, he resigned himself to medical aid when needed.- She never said he’d sometimes feel as though all his energy had been sapped to the point where he finds it difficult to even get out of bed, that he would become numb to everything. Hell, she didn’t even mention that eventually, he’d look in the mirror and find himself to be a disgusting mess of bags under his eyes, and far too pale to be considered healthy in the eyes of humans and HATE himself for it.- That day he understood why Mr. Half-Nasod always gave him a look of concern and asked him if he had been sleeping well, and eating properly. Arme still didn’t regret the fact that he practically growled at him when he tried to dive too far into his personal life.-

He never asked for this.

He wanted to stay, yes, but not to be human. It became numbing.

To the point where sometimes, he scratched at his arms. Roughly.

He found a path of red where pale snow should have laid.

...It was painful, but. It was finally like he felt something.

He continued to do it, he found himself putting on his coat more often. He didn’t want anyone to ask him about it, there was no point. This body was made to be a weapon, and it had served its purpose well. There’s nothing left for it now, and what he does with it is no one’s concern. Though the rest of the party seemed to notice that he wore heavier clothes, none of them commented on it.

Eventually, that wasn’t enough.

Once again, he felt numb. What was different now, though, was that he was exhausted. So very exhausted, more so than before. A simple fix. He didn’t want to waste any of the goddess’s energy that he had left, so he resorted to a knife.

It hurt, and the trickling of blood down his arm made a mess… He began hating the sight more than anything, his blood used to be blue like the goddess’s divine color… Now it’s only an ugly shade of red, one that he’s seen on Elsword many times before and have gotten scared- terrified of what had happened to-...

….The blade served its purpose.

He felt awake. He’s not sure when that became the goal, but the moment he felt pain, he knew that’s what it was.

But unlike the scratches, he wasn’t good at hiding blood.

Eventually, someone took notice.

Apostasia was the first.

He just threw bandages at Arme and shook his head at him. Arme flinched slightly upon contact, and blinked. “Hide it better.” He says simply. Arme huffed, but silently thanked him. He had no idea how to cover it up… He unrolled some of the bandages and began wrapping one end onto his arm before hearing Apostasia sigh and walk over, taking it from one hand and grabbing the other, dragging him along to the nearest bathroom.

He grabbed a brown towel and began running it under some water, keeping a grip on Arme’s arm all the while. Once satisfied, he turned the faucet back and brought the towel to his arm, wiping off the blood slowly. Upon contact, Arme flinched slightly from the sting, inhaling sharply and exhaling within the next second.

Within seconds, the initial blood had been cleaned up, and Apostasia then began wrapping the bandages around his arm. Some blood still seeped through, however it was enough to soak up the blood. “...Thank you.” Arme muttered. Apostasia simply shrugged as he finished up treating the wound... Then, he did something odd. Apostasia brought the hand he had been holding close to his face and kissed it lightly. Arme’s eyes widened and he felt his face flushing bright red.

“...This isn’t like you.” He began quietly, still holding Arme’s hand. Arme clicked his tongue. He thought he could trust him, trust him to not judge him, to not question why, to not… Look at him… With such a concerned look in his eyes…- He supposes he shouldn't have expected that sort of trust. It was Apo, after all.-

Arme felt himself faltering under his gaze, but offered no explanation. Apostasia shook his head, gently laying Arme’s hand down and putting the bandages onto the sink.

He felt worse than usual throughout the entire day.

Then, Elsword noticed.

The first time he saw it, he freaked out.

“Arme, are you ok, when did that happen?” He asked his, eyebrows furrowed in concerned. It had been the second time Arme had done it a few days later, it had been a day that he was beginning to feel numb again, and though the concerned look Apostasia had on his face made him feel guilty… It wasn’t enough to stop him.

Arme nodded. “Yes, I just was cut by one of the enemies from earlier.” He lied, he didn't even remember what they had been fighting earlier. “R-really? I thought you were far enough away…” Elsword muttered to himself, getting that look in his eye whenever he tried to figure out something. “It was just a few minor cuts, don't worry. I'll… Be more careful next time.” Arme assured him, attempting to smile. Be careful of what? Not hating himself to the point where he feels numb and needs to do this just to feel something?

Elsword reached out a hand towards Arme, a shy smile on his face. “...Can I see? I want to make sure you're-.”

“No!”Arme flinched away from Elsword’s outstretched hand, causing him to jump back in surprise. “I…. I already took care of it. It's fine. Please don't worry.” He explained, attempting to avoid the topic of his reaction.

“Arme… You've been acting really weird lately, w-we wanted to give you space because you needed time to adjust, but…-”

“I'm fine.” Arme reiterated, interrupting Elsword once again. He simply sighed in response, he was probably just used to how stubborn Arme is, by now. He almost felt guilty about how defeated Elsword looked. “Ok… Please take care of yourself.” He instructed before hugging Arme.

Slowly, Arme’s arms wrapped around Elsword, patting Elsword’s hair reassuringly. He didn't respond, lying would've been useless, but he knows enough to argue otherwise.

More of the search party began to notice, but Arme simply waved them off. Even when that noodle attempted to lecture him when he can't even take care of himself. Even when Mr. Half nasod had instructed him to take better care when Arme knows he has a black hole sucking up his own body heat. Even when-... honestly there's just so much self destructive behavior that he believes there's no reason for anyone to judge him.

...That isn’t to say he didn’t try to fix it, however. He tried everything he could to keep himself from continuing, distracting himself as much as he could… However he kept finding himself returning to that awful habit.

Erblu, though, was the last straw.

He'd been away for the year, saying that he wanted to experience the world, something around that area. Arme wanted to go with him… But felt his time would be better spent with the rest of the search party, Erblu deserved a break from him, after all.

The moment he got back, however, he practically tackled Arme to the ground, he hadn’t felt so relieved in an entire year.

“Erblu? I thought you were still traveling.” He blinked in surprise happy to see him but… Just. Slightly surprised by the sudden visit. “Yes~, well. I wanted to see you! You haven’t sent me a letter in such a long time.” He smiled at him brightly as Arme mentally cursed himself. Shit he knew he forgot something. Bowing his head in shame, he averted his eyes from Erblu. “Oh don’t make that face! I was just just worried is all… I. Um. Also wanted to ask you something, s-so really, don’t feel bad!” Erblu said, grabbing both of Arme’s hands and pulling them closely to his chest.

Arme smiled truthfully for the first time in what was ages… Which fell as soon as Erblu paused and looked… Confused. Before he could ask what was wrong, Erblu spoke up. “Arme, when where you hurt, do you need me to heal you?? You weren’t in a battle recently, where you?” He asked, Arme felt himself freeze up.

He had seen them. Ever since beginning this habit, he felt afraid that Erblu would see them. “...Arme...?” He knew that if he saw them, Erblu would see how unstable he was now. “Arme?” He knew in that moment he would’ve regretted everything that he had ever done under the goddess would be meaningless. “Arme.” All those petty squabbles and fights he had in the past with Erblu would’ve been deemed all selfish… Not that they hadn’t before, it’d just be worse now. “Arme!” He needed to get out of here, he didn’t deserve to be in Erblu’s presence, he couldn’t be around him anymore, he was useless, he was disgusting, he-.

Suddenly felt arms wrap around him tightly. That was when he finally realized, he was crying.

“....Now that I’m actually holding you… You feel much skinnier than the the last time I held you… Arme, have you been taking care of yourself?” He asked softly, his voice lighter than the soft glow of a lamp.

Arme didn’t say anything for while felt like years, he was too busy processing what had just happened. Then, like floodgates bursting at the seams finally breaking, he hugged Erblu tightly and cried into his coat- shirt? Whatever-.

He continued to mutter apologies as Erblu kept him grounded, holding him and patting his back to comfort him, occasionally kissing him anywhere he could.

As far as Arme could recall, that had been the first time he ever truly cried.

He ended up telling Erblu everything, how useless he was now, how uncomfortable he felt in his own skin now- more so than usual, but this wasn’t about his gender and frankly he’d like to keep it that way- how numb he felt for the longest time. How he ended up turning to ugly habits in order to feel something. By the end of it, he’s certain he had went through most tissues found in that particular inn.

Erblu listened through everything, with the highest amount of attentiveness Arme had ever seen him use. Erblu was a good listener, yes, being the local therapist for about half of the el search party, Arme is pretty sure. But never had he ever listened so intently.

By the end of it, Erblu was in tears as well and holding Arme tightly in his arms. That night and well into the morning, the two had cuddled more than they had in the past 4 years. Which should be considered a record- mind you.

The morning was filled with pancakes made by… Bread. Whatever the fuck his name was, he’s pretty sure Erblu calls him two-tone, and promises from him to Ebrlu and vice versa to get better.

For once in a long while, Arme felt…

Content.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi Arme is a trans boy with autism and is also my child. If you think my representation of an autistic person isn't accurate, that's because I had too much in this fic to add in the little ticks he has. I will say though that it is the reason why Arme's train of thought is all over the place. 
> 
> If people want me to make a sequel, I already have one in the works so finger pistols.
> 
> Also I wanna add this in now- Erblu coming back did NOT fix anything. Being in a relationship doesn't heal you, it's what the other person in the relationship does to *help*- btw huge difference- you. For now Erblu will be helping Arme through this and trying to get him out of the habit of self harm. It'll be a long rode, but, wish them luck. Also I have a feeling Elrios has next to no good help for the mentally ill/if they do the entirety of the el gang is too busy for that shit. Case in point the fact that all three of the Ravens have been dealing with PTSD for the past couple of years and lets not even mention the Add's-.
> 
> Side note in any other fic Arme would be very cold towards Apo but since he finally understands why Apo abandoned his beliefs, they're cool. All the Ain's are probs dating but again 5 pages was too much. If anyone wants that sequel I'll deffs put that in tho.


End file.
